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Everybody seems to think that golf is a sport. The dictionary says that sport is “An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively.” That doesn’t sound like golf to me?

How physically exertive is it to swing a thin stick around and tap a small ball? Then take a slow walk down the fairway while you chat, wait for the golfers in front of you to clear out the way, and then take another swing ten minutes later.

Golf is a pastime, a bit like knitting. Sure it takes a bit of practice, and over time you get better at it. But like knitting, you don’t have to be physically fit to do it. In fact, I’ve seen quite a few extremely fat people do it, and old people. They all managed to swing their little sticks and hit the ball.

While we’re at it, darts isn’t really a sport either is it? You stand there, a pint in one hand a sharp thing in the other, swaying gently back and forward, maybe even side to side. Then you move your arm with the sharp thing, in a distinctly gay way and release the sharp thing. The sharp thing then does all the work and embeds itself in the dartboard (or the wall). You then take a swig of beer, while your mates comment on your sporting prowess.

And what about snooker? Again - not a sport. Unless you’re in some bars where arguments start, and you have to avoid flying balls and broken cues. But played according to the rules of the game, snooker is about walking round a table. Every so often you push a thin stick so it pushes a little white ball. If you’re lucky you get to do it again. Then you sit down in a chair (conveniently situated near to the table - in case you’re tired from all the physical exertion - yeh right), and take a swig of beer. How is that a sport?

I think one of the defintions of a sport should include the aspect that drinking beer whilst engaged in the activity, rules it out of being classified as a sport. Except I remember vividly playing beach volleyball with a cocktail in one hand. But then I’m not a pro, so it’s allowed.

Now jousting is a proper sport! Why not bring that back in (and you’re allowed to drink beer while doing it). Instead of swinging thin light sticks at harmless little balls, you gallop (or ride your motorbike) as fast as you can at the oponent and aim the big, heavy stick where it’s most likely to do some serious damage - or at least unseat him. Let’s see how good Tiger Woods is at that!

I’ve got a full bag, but only because I was given them. Does anyone actually use all their clubs? And if so, how much difference is there between an 8 iron and a 9 iron? I’ve also got 3 drivers. One big fat head and two smaller ones. No idea what I’m supposed to use the smaller ones for. Maybe you can enlighten me.

The more clubs you have, the more proficient you appear to your peers. If you just turned up with a 3 iron, a 7 iron, a pitcher and a putter, you’d look like a pauper who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Proper golfers love to spend time staring into their bag handling a couple of the heads, before pulling out the club that they’ve decided is the right one for the job. Then they whack the ball straight into the lake. Maybe they should have used a 5 iron rather than the 7?

And what’s with all the silly hats they put on the drivers? Do the woods get cold? Oh, it’s to stop them getting marked. What, and smacking a hard ball at 80 miles an hour doesn’t mark them? I think it does. But, it’s an extra thing that you can buy to impress your buddies with. And make sure the ‘hats’ are branded Taylormade or Calloway etc, not Walmart or Tesco! I’m not sure Nike cuts it either, but you can let me know.

Having a heavy bag full of iron is a good excuse to hire a caddy or a golf cart I s’pose. And that costs more money. I just prefer to carry the bag and use the experience as a bit of exercise. Well, swinging a thin stick at a little ball once every ten minutes isn’t exactly exercise is it?

I’ve heard many people say that golf is an elitist sport (in a disapproving way). It’s not really a sport - but that’s another topic.

How can it be elitist? They let women play, and old people. White people, black people, Chinese, Japanese, gay & lesbian, Mormons, Evangelicals, Roman Catholics, and even people who can’t play! So to make it non-elitist, they’ll have to let monkeys play?

As long as you can afford the extortionate fees for a game and you’ve equipped yourself with all the stupid clothing, shoes, white socks, cap, golf clubs (yes, you mustn’t share a set of clubs with your mate), bag and what not , then you can play.

Ah, yes and you must have loads of spare time, which means you probably don’t work for a living. You might accuse golf of being ‘oldist’, but not elitist. Admittedly, golf isn’t for the masses. The masses have better things to do, like sit in front of a TV watching the football, drinking lager, or one of those crappy chat shows.

I’ve been on quite a few golf courses, and I’ve never heard anyone shout “Fore!”. I have had a golf ball fly past me in a dangerous manner before. But maybe the protagonist who launched the ball in my directlion was too ashamed to admit that it was he/she who aimed it. Or maybe they’re just not very polite.

Are you supposed to shout “fore” to warn people they are about to die? And if you did shout it - what’s the likelyhood that they would look up in time, see where the ball was coming from and be able to react in time to dodge it?

In my experience, golf balls fly pretty fast, and they’re small - and most golfers are old. My bet would be that shouting “fore” from 300 yards away would be unlikely to have much effect.

Why are you supposed to shout the word “fore” anyway? What does it mean? Wouldn’t it be more effective to shout “Watch out!”, “Ball ahoy!” or “Get the f**k out the way, you old codger!”?

Actually, I’ve just thought of an invention. Maybe I should patent it before I tell you. Just remember you heard it here first, yeah? Why not make all the balls emit a strange sound as they fly towards you? Obviously the sound would have to be pretty unique. And they’d have to find a way to make sound travel faster than the speed of the ball, preferably in the exact direction of the ball, so that golfers in the immediate flightpath only would get the blast of noise and have time to react. Cool idea, eh?

In fact, that opens up a whole new market for golf balls with ‘ringtones’. When you go and choose your balls, instead of just going by the brand, like Calloway etc, you also check what sound it makes as it whistles though the air. You could be identified by the sound your balls make. Obviously ball sounds are a fashion statement as well, so you’d have to change your balls pretty regularly to ensure that you still appear trendy to all your golfing buddies.

Why do people play golf in the rain? It’s not fun - really!

OK, if you live in a sunny country you might say that nobody round here does play in the rain. I’ve lived in the UK for many years, and I have to say that the Brits don’t let a cold, drissley, cloudy, damp day stop them from standing around in the wind and rain, soaking up the damp from the wet grass. But then, I’ve just described a typical day in the UK. If they weren’t prepared to play in the rain, when would they play? The British golf clubs would be out of business.

But is golf that interesting that it’s actualy fun to stand there in the rain? I don’t think so. It’s more likely that the golfers are so desperate to get out the house that they’ll do anything that legitimately requires they have to be outside. Plus most club houses have a bar.

And you can always say that you’re discussing business when you go to play golf. Even if one of your golfing buddies runs a Burger-King and the other one a brothel. Your wife/partner isn’t likely to find out, is she/he?

Don’t you just hate losing golf balls? If I hit one into the rough, I always seem to struggle to find it. And I don’t like giving up if I can’t see it. Golf balls aren’t cheap.

Maybe it’s a status symbol. If you don’t look too hard for your lost ball, people will assume you can afford to lose them so you must be rich. I’m not rich (yet) so I have to find them. Twenty lost balls every nine holes makes the gofing fees a little pricey.

This begs a question. Why can’t they make the roughs easier to find the balls in? I’ve hunted through roughs where there are sharp thorns, nettles, dense spikey bushes and other not-nice type things. It’s easy enough to find your ball when it goes in the sandpit, so why not the rough?

I think it’s so they can sit in the clubhouse looking at you through binoculars, laughing. I don’t think it’s funny. Golf is supposed to be about aiming a little white ball at a small hole, not beating a path through scratchy, stingy undergrowth.

Maybe the roughs are there so that the golf course caretakers don’t have to look after the whole area. Certainly makes life a lot easier for them. I might do that with a patch of my garden. I’ll not bother looking after it, and when friends remark how it looks untidy, I’ll just explain that it’s been carefully designed as an obstacle to make the garden more interesting.

Hitting a ball into the ubiquitous lake is another downer. Anything deeper than a foot, and you’ve no chance of retrieving it. There’s one course near me, where the first hole requires teeing off through a very narrow strip of grass, rough one side and deep lake the other. Even with a driver, I struggle to clear it. And as it’s the first shot of the day, and I’m not warmed up, I can lose 10 balls before I get a second shot. It’s also in full view of the clubhouse. They are taking the p**s I think.

Why can’t they make the balls float? That would save money. I’ve sliced a few floating balls before, so I know the concept works. Then you could have little boats moored up at the side of the lake and you could go and retrieve your balls.

Why do people say that ‘Golf is a good walk spoiled’? Two facts (actually 4 facts) make this a stupid statement.

1. A golf course must be about the most boring place to take a walk. With the carefully manicured greens, fake ‘roughs’ and all the other bits they stick in to make it look like a natural environment, there are plenty of better places to go for a walk. Like up a proper hill for starters. In the countryside. Or down to the local pub.

2. Unless you follow the exact golfers path you’re likely to have to watch out for flying golf balls. Not my idea of a relaxing walk.

3. Lugging around half your bodyweight in golf clubs isn’t fun. Admittendly you could get a trolley, but that would be a bit like pushing a pram or a supermarket trolley around the golf course.

4. The stupid shoes that many golf clubs insist you wear. If I want a nice walk, I’ll wear a pair of training shoes or walking boots. Most golf clubs would disapprove.

5. It’s nice to see a bit of nature when you’re out on a walk. A deer, a rabit, maybe a snake, but not lots of over-financed pensioners.